Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The bad list...

I'm leaving tomorrow for Arkansas. I've got at least a dozen written lists going, but this one has been playing on a loop in my mind for days...


I hate cancer. I hate pancreatic cancer. I hate it's treatments and their nasty side effects/complications.

I hate that my dad is so sick from all of the above.

I hate having divorced parents, and the subsequent responsibility that weighs on me as a daughter and a caregiver.

I hate that the above statement sounds selfish and will probably hurt people I love.

I hate living 1,000+ miles away from my family.

I hate the circumstances that are leading me to Arkansas tomorrow. Hate that I'm going to have to be away from my husband and children. I'm a daughter, yes, but I'm also a wife and a mom. (My kids are going with me, but they're staying with family in AR while I stay with my dad).

I hate that I feel pulled in so many different directions.

I hate that I haven't felt very "present" with my kids this summer. And that the lazy days of summer that we all love so much have felt few and far between.

I hate insurance companies.

I hate not being able to nap or rest when I actually get the chance. My mind just never stops running and/or worrying.

I hate feeling emotionally exhausted all. the. time.

I hate that everything related to this feels like a crisis.

I hate that my kids are going to have to wait 2.5 weeks to jump on the trampoline we bought as a surprise for them. 

I hate that I'm having to pack for Arkansas AND our vacation while constantly wondering if it's even going to work out for me to get to go.

I hate that I feel so fake when I tell people "I'm good!" when they ask how I'm doing. 

I hate that I feel like I'm "too much" for my close friends who get the real answer to that question. (Thanks you guys for listening...and you know who you are.)

I hate that my emotions are always so close to the surface and that when the dam breaks, I have a hard time stopping it.

I hate that all of this is out of my control. 


I was reminded during church on Sunday that God is the only thing I can fully trust in. Relationships will fail you. Your body will fail you. Riches will fail you. Everything in this world that promises to sustain you will ultimately disappoint. But God is faithful to those He loves...and that's what I'm putting my trust in today. 

38 comments:

lisa@littlesliceoflife said...

I hate cancer too. Cancer sucks.

Just know that this is a season. It will not be like this always. God will give you the strength you need AS you need it, moment by moment. He will sustain you even when you feel like you can't take your next breath.

Your kids will be fine. God will be faithful to redeem this time away from them. They will learn valuable life lessons from your example of selfless-ness, sacrifice and devotion in caring for your dad.

I heart you, girlfriend!

Lemonade Girl said...

I'm sorry things are more than rough right now. Hugs and Prayers for you!

Melissa @ Breath of Life said...

Mer,

My heart goes out to you, and I'm praying right now for Him to strengthen you. Cancer is terrible. We've been through it ourselves, and I hated it for my husband (it was his dad).

I know everything feels like it's pressing in on you now. But know this...your children will look back on how you've helped your dad & respect, admire & love you all the more for it. The time missed with them will be redeemed.

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap,if we do not give up. -Galatians 6:9

Jacquie said...

I just so sorry, Meredith. I'll be keeping you in my prayers. Have a safe trip.

Carpoolqueen said...

I hate it for you. Every single item on the list.

Except for one.

The friends who know the real story? They're just grateful they can help in the smallest way by being there to listen.

Love you-

Janna Widdifield said...

I am sooo praying for you, dear friend!

Gretchen said...

I'm so glad you put this out there, Mer. Maybe it was a little release, and maybe, just maybe you'll be able to rest a bit, now.

You know i'm praying.

ANd you're never too much.

As i said before, I wish I could bear this for you, but shoulder to shoulder, we'll bear it together. And hate it. ANd love our God.

Tree Frog Creations... said...

Safe journey tomorrow... If I can do anything to help while you are in AR, let me know!
Still praying,
R

Joanne (The Simple Wife) said...

You could NEVER be too much by being honest and vulnerable. Your "realness" makes you YOU. And it's something I appreciate in you so much.

Love you,

J.

Kendra said...

Hugs to you, Meredith.

And NEVER be afraid to tell the truth when people ask "How are you?" If they are good friends, they want to hear your troubles and share the load with you. If they aren't, then maybe they'll learn to not be so glib with casual remarks unless they really mean it. Never fear saying "I'm crappy, thanks." The truth shall set you free.

Many prayers for you, your dad, your family, and everything!

Betsy said...

I HATE that you're having to go through this. I'm so sorry!! There will be brighter days...this is only for a little while. I am praying that you will feel God's arms wrapped a little more tightly around you as you are walking down this lonely path!

Love and hugs!

Michelle@Life with Three said...

Hang in there, Mer. I know things totally stink right now -- but you're right in that you've got to keep your focus on God. He's in control and He'll give you the strength you need to keep going. I'm praying for you and your family.

Melissa Stover said...

that's a really good bad list. my parents are also divorced and soon after they divorced (i was an adult when it happened) my dad had major surgery and i felt so responsible yet i had milo who was a breastfeeding baby at the time and i couldn't leave him and stay with my dad but i knew my dad needed someone. it was an awful time. divorce and its consequences are so sad.

i'm so sorry you're having to go through all this. i know how you feel, sorry for yourself and your kids because that's where you're supposed to be, but guilty because your dad needs someone too.

i'll keep you in my prayers. i hope things work out well for you this week.

Lori Motl said...

Mer, I have walked in shoes very similar to the ones you are wearing now. I'm sorry that you have to take a single step in them. I will be praying for you. I'm not sure where you will be in Arkansas. If it's close to Arkadelphia, let me know. I'll bring you Sonic or Starbucks. You may need the break. I wish I had words of wisdom. I don't. But I can say, "I love ya and I really do care". I'll be praying for you!

Kelly @ Love Well said...

I'm so sorry, my friend. We are hating right along with you. Life is flat-out hard sometimes, even for those of us who know the hope within us.

Deidre said...

Meredith, I HATE you are going through so much. I know it would be easy to hate the situation even more since you're playing a role a 'daughter' shouldn't have to play. I'm praying for God to sustain you ... you can trust Him!

Becca~TimeWellSpent said...

I hate this for you so much! Cancer is just an evil thing and added to that having divorced parents makes the responsibilities so hard. I was nearly 18 when mine split and I remember the feelings of worrying about one or the other. I can't imagine adding on top of that being far away and a major medical crisis.
My prayers go with you on the trip. Prayers for peace and discernment for what to do while there and prayers for your dad.

Jennifer said...

I am so sorry about what you're going through, Meredith! I will continue to lift you, your dad and your family up in prayer. I pray you will feel His perfect peace during this difficult time. Much love to you!

Elizabeth said...

You hate all these things for good reasons, yet you know the One who's in control, of every little bit of it. You're never too much for Him, or for those who love you and pray for you everyday (me included).

If you happen to have time to stop in Tulsa, give me an hour's notice and I'm there! But keep on driving if that's easier. Have a safe trip tomorrow!

Kellie said...

Sweet Mer, several have already said it, but I am going to say it too...I hate these things for you. I wish there was something we could do or say that would make something (one thing!) better in this situation.

I am going to be praying for you today as you head out to AR.

Jeanie said...

Well...ditto to all the above comments. Although I really don't know you at all...your sweet spirit and good heart come through in all your posts. I think you are top notch and your dear dad is in my prayers.

Sitesx6 said...

And I HATE all of this for you.

I could hear the pain and frustration in your post. Things stink when they don't go as we plan...I HATE THAT!!!!!!

I hope you have some quality time with your dad and that things will switch from hate to love soon. :(

Hugs from Michigan
Kelly

Lindsay said...

Mer, I haven't walked in your shoes with regard to cancer but have with regard to long distance caregiving. The similarites brought tears to my eyes and I hote for you to have to be here. That said... God IS faithful and good ALL THE TIME though we usually don't see or feel that in the middle of the struggle. Thoughts and prayers are with you during these days.

Gina said...

I hate all of that for you, too.

Amber said...

I hate these things with you, Mer. But I love you, and love our Jesus who is the true bringer of peace, comfort, and joy.

Praying for you. Always.

Ginger@From The Cocoon said...

I'm praying for you...and your family..especially your dad. I hate cancer too...and all that it does to a family...but I love my God and knows that He has a plan even in this!

Keep your chin up and know that you are surrounded by people who care about you and are lifting you up in prayer daily!!

Lauren Kelly said...

And I hate that you're having to go through all of this. Love ya Meredith. You're in my thoughts!!! :)

Stephanie @ My Answered Prayer said...

I've been there Mer...get it all out...you're not TOO MUCH for your friends...that's why we have friends. We cannot do it without them. I have not have to deal with cancer but have had to be the primary care giver. I can't imagine it being my dad though. God will take care of you and your family. I will pray for you continually and remember we are only 4 hrs away if you need us...and I mean it!

Love you!

Nina Diane said...

I'm sorry things are rough right now...and I hate that stupid cancer too

Deena said...

I love that this is a real list- not just an "I'm fine" list.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Praying for you this week. Love and blessings!

Holly said...

Crying with you, friend. Walking this one out in prayer, as you have faithfully done for us in our time of need. Love to you...

YoMJ said...

Sure wish I could see you and your family while you are in Arkansas.

Tanya

His Girl said...

hating all that stupid stuff on your behalf.

but loving knowing that God can use it all for His good.

can't wait til we get to see what that is.

leigh said...

Wow, those are alot of emotions to be dealing with. I wish I could help in some way. If it makes you feel any better, when I think of you (like I just did when I bought my first Vera Bradley bag!) I think of you as positive and REAL. We all have things we hate and what are true friends for if not to share the burdens when they get to be too much. Good luck on your trips...whichever ones you get to take.

Brenda said...

You're on the right track, knowing that HE is your Sustainer. He is your Peace. He is you Joy even in the midst of this horrible season you're having to go thru. He is also there for your kiddos when you feel you're not. Be blessed even in the middle of it all.
Praying for you, Mer.

Robin said...

I am so sorry my friend. I am praying for you and your Dad. Praying that this week God will continue to lift you up and will bring you comfort.

Becca said...

I'm so sorry things are so yucky right now. I will keep you in my prayers!

Dee Dee said...

Mer, you've got a million comments on this one and don't know if you'll see mine. Overwhelmed by your honesty. You are wonderful. I'm a cancer-hater myself. Much love for you!