I hate cancer. I hate pancreatic cancer. I hate it's treatments and their nasty side effects/complications.
I hate that my dad is so sick from all of the above.
I hate having divorced parents, and the subsequent responsibility that weighs on me as a daughter and a caregiver.
I hate that the above statement sounds selfish and will probably hurt people I love.
I hate living 1,000+ miles away from my family.
I hate the circumstances that are leading me to Arkansas tomorrow. Hate that I'm going to have to be away from my husband and children. I'm a daughter, yes, but I'm also a wife and a mom. (My kids are going with me, but they're staying with family in AR while I stay with my dad).
I hate that I feel pulled in so many different directions.
I hate that I haven't felt very "present" with my kids this summer. And that the lazy days of summer that we all love so much have felt few and far between.
I hate insurance companies.
I hate not being able to nap or rest when I actually get the chance. My mind just never stops running and/or worrying.
I hate feeling emotionally exhausted all. the. time.
I hate that everything related to this feels like a crisis.
I hate that my kids are going to have to wait 2.5 weeks to jump on the trampoline we bought as a surprise for them.
I hate that I'm having to pack for Arkansas AND our vacation while constantly wondering if it's even going to work out for me to get to go.
I hate that I feel so fake when I tell people "I'm good!" when they ask how I'm doing.
I hate that I feel like I'm "too much" for my close friends who get the real answer to that question. (Thanks you guys for listening...and you know who you are.)
I hate that my emotions are always so close to the surface and that when the dam breaks, I have a hard time stopping it.
I hate that all of this is out of my control.
I was reminded during church on Sunday that God is the only thing I can fully trust in. Relationships will fail you. Your body will fail you. Riches will fail you. Everything in this world that promises to sustain you will ultimately disappoint. But God is faithful to those He loves...and that's what I'm putting my trust in today.