John and I are answering marriage questions on Wednesdays. Amber started things off with a bang by asking: How do you keep it fresh and fun in the bedroom? Alrighty then, Amber. You do realize our parents read this blog, don't you?
(this is John, the husband)
We’re going to avoid tips and techniques, alright? If you want those, go buy a book.
After almost twenty years, we’ve found a lot of grace for the bedroom, a.k.a. sex, contained in the traditional marriage vows. Here’s what we mean. Sometimes the lovin’ is better, sometimes its worse; there are nights when the zippity is doo-dah (richer) and sometimes when its poorer; sometimes makin’ whoopee is healthy and sometimes, well, not-so-much. Expectations of the bedroom always being fresh and fun reveal you’re still in your first year of marriage or you’ve bumped your head one too many times on the threshold. Seriously, sex is an amazing God-gift, but it doesn’t fall out of the sky like manna; it comes via your husband (or in my case, my wife), always offered by flesh and blood and as such, always in need of grace. Always.
Having said that, sex can fall prey to a rhythm of poorer and worse and sick. One way we’ve found to break that spell deals with time. Unfortunately, sex is sometimes assumed to happen after you’ve worked all day, tried to spend quality time with your kids, walked the Beagle, caught the weather forecast at 10pm and fallen into bed around 10:30pm. Now some nights it will. But stay in that groove long and you’ll find you have nothing to offer your first love; you’re just too tired.
Hint – take advantage of weekend mornings and afternoons and that little thing on your bedroom doorknob called a lock. And if you got a dependable sitter or grandparents nearby, overnight getaways, even if just for one night, are always worth the money and effort. Just don’t forget to pack the grace. And the fog machine and the Annie Lennox cd.
Sweet dreams are made of this...
(This is Meredith, the wife)
To be frank, I've been pretty tentative about this post because I don't want to say anything that would dishonor my husband and/or the relationship we share. I believe that what goes on behind the bedroom door should stay there. But we agreed to be honest so I'm going to try to do that without disclosing private stuff.
I echo what John said about there being rhythms in marriage and times when sex isn't always fresh and fun. Sometimes it's just perfunctory. And that's okay too.
John dropped a few hints about getting creative about when sex happens, but how about giving some thought to where? Is your bedroom appealing? Is it neat and tidy or do you usually have three baskets of unfolded laundry on the bed? Is your bedding frilly and feminine? What about choosing something that you both like, putting a fresh coat of paint on the walls, and making your bedroom a place you want to spend time? Together.
Take a shower. When I'm tired, a shower helps me wake up a little and it lets my husband know that sex matters to me too and I'm willing to do my part to make it happen. And if taking a shower isn't keeping things fresh, then I don't know what is.
Buy something new every once in awhile. I'm not talking about a sweater or a pair of shoes either. Just something that only your husband will see.
You don't even have to buy anything. Put some thought into something special you can do that you know your spouse would enjoy.
I think that a lot of women believe they could go for a really long time without needing sex. It's true that we're not wired to think about it constantly or need it the same way that men do, but I believe that women do need sex to stay physically and emotionally connected to their spouse. The longer I'm sexually disconnected from my husband, the more out of sync we become and the harder it is to find our rhythm again. So yeah, it may not always be fresh and fun but it's such an amazing gift that God has given us, and He's given it to us to ENJOY.