Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Wedded Wednesday: Whoopee!

John and I are answering marriage questions on Wednesdays. Amber started things off with a bang by asking: How do you keep it fresh and fun in the bedroom? Alrighty then, Amber. You do realize our parents read this blog, don't you?

(this is John, the husband)
We’re going to avoid tips and techniques, alright? If you want those, go buy a book.
After almost twenty years, we’ve found a lot of grace for the bedroom, a.k.a. sex, contained in the traditional marriage vows. Here’s what we mean. Sometimes the lovin’ is better, sometimes its worse; there are nights when the zippity is doo-dah (richer) and sometimes when its poorer; sometimes makin’ whoopee is healthy and sometimes, well, not-so-much. Expectations of the bedroom always being fresh and fun reveal you’re still in your first year of marriage or you’ve bumped your head one too many times on the threshold. Seriously, sex is an amazing God-gift, but it doesn’t fall out of the sky like manna; it comes via your husband (or in my case, my wife), always offered by flesh and blood and as such, always in need of grace. Always.

Having said that, sex can fall prey to a rhythm of poorer and worse and sick. One way we’ve found to break that spell deals with time. Unfortunately, sex is sometimes assumed to happen after you’ve worked all day, tried to spend quality time with your kids, walked the Beagle, caught the weather forecast at 10pm and fallen into bed around 10:30pm. Now some nights it will. But stay in that groove long and you’ll find you have nothing to offer your first love; you’re just too tired.
Hint – take advantage of weekend mornings and afternoons and that little thing on your bedroom doorknob called a lock. And if you got a dependable sitter or grandparents nearby, overnight getaways, even if just for one night, are always worth the money and effort. Just don’t forget to pack the grace. And the fog machine and the Annie Lennox cd.

Sweet dreams are made of this...


(This is Meredith, the wife)

To be frank, I've been pretty tentative about this post because I don't want to say anything that would dishonor my husband and/or the relationship we share. I believe that what goes on behind the bedroom door should stay there. But we agreed to be honest so I'm going to try to do that without disclosing private stuff.

I echo what John said about there being rhythms in marriage and times when sex isn't always fresh and fun. Sometimes it's just perfunctory. And that's okay too.

John dropped a few hints about getting creative about when sex happens, but how about giving some thought to where? Is your bedroom appealing? Is it neat and tidy or do you usually have three baskets of unfolded laundry on the bed? Is your bedding frilly and feminine? What about choosing something that you both like, putting a fresh coat of paint on the walls, and making your bedroom a place you want to spend time? Together.

Other ideas:
Take a shower. When I'm tired, a shower helps me wake up a little and it lets my husband know that sex matters to me too and I'm willing to do my part to make it happen. And if taking a shower isn't keeping things fresh, then I don't know what is.

Buy something new every once in awhile. I'm not talking about a sweater or a pair of shoes either. Just something that only your husband will see.

You don't even have to buy anything. Put some thought into something special you can do that you know your spouse would enjoy.

I think that a lot of women believe they could go for a really long time without needing sex. It's true that we're not wired to think about it constantly or need it the same way that men do, but I believe that women do need sex to stay physically and emotionally connected to their spouse. The longer I'm sexually disconnected from my husband, the more out of sync we become and the harder it is to find our rhythm again. So yeah, it may not always be fresh and fun but it's such an amazing gift that God has given us, and He's given it to us to ENJOY.

21 comments:

Melissa @ Breath of Life said...

Great post, y'all. Very respectful and honest, and some great advice!

Sitesx6 said...

Well said folks....God honoring and informative.

Way to stay classy.

Amber said...

Very well said. I've been waiting to see how you guys would handle it, and I think you both said what was true and honest and full of integrity for your spouse and what you share.

I like what Sitesx6 said. "God-honoring." I hate that all too often we forget that the marriage bed was a gift to us from our Creator. He hard-wired us this way, and I think that your marriage brings Him joy in the way that you are respecting Him and eachother.

Mama Voss said...

Good thoughts -- you two sound very real and I like that!

Amber said...

Well, I'm just so proud of the two of you!! I agree with everything you both said and think that when sex ISN'T issue many other things are not and when sex IS an issue other things are certainly affected by that...

I 'bout spit out my cereal at the mention of a fog machine and Annie Lennox ;) BUT I will add that changing it up with some music is a great way to feel like you are someplace different and exciting!

Kudos to both of you for putting it all out there...

Tiffani said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA...

OH DEAR!!

THAT ABOVE COMMENT IS ME, TIFF!

I was being editor-friend on a post for Amber and forgot I was signed in as her...we are IM'ing and cracking up b/c she's seemingly VERY VERY 'in' to all this sex talk!!

So, that's me, not her commenting yet AGAIN on this topic!!

Cathy said...

My favorite line:

And if taking a shower isn't keeping things fresh, then I don't know what is.

So true. So true. It made me laugh but there's a lot of truth too. I know when I've spent days (ahem) in pjs I don't feel as attractive and that effects my confidence. Taking a shower certainly helps with that!:)

Great job you two!

Ladies, Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow/Lorraine Pintus is a Christian book for women about such things that you might not talk about on a blog. Just w/ any book (That's not the Bible) take what you will and leave the rest, but I think it's a good resource.:)

Deidre said...

Good gracious, y'all are coming out of the gate with a tough topic! ha!

Seriously, very respectful and honest. I agree with it all. Cracked up at the fog machine line.

whimzie said...

You guys should take this act on the road! Well, obviously not the bedroom act. As you said, that should stay in the bedroom. But truly, you had good practical tips and approached a subject that can be difficult to discuss with humor, respect and wisdom.

Thanks for being willing to share with us. This was fun!

averagemoreorless said...

Good answer! Good answer! I don't think it'll pop over any tiles on the Family Fued board, but it sure dinged my bell. Honest, respectful and not a little humorous; sounds like a good recipe for good sex and for good posts about sex.

Robin said...

I read this after I read Whimzie's post today and let's just say this was refreshing. :-) Great thought with lots of class and truth.

Elizabeth said...

Well said, both of you! With an emphasis on grace, I think any couple can get to a point of peace in their sex life. There has to be communication! And showers and music make all the difference in the world.

Ali said...

I enjoyed your honesty and respectfulness! Thanks for the post! Looking forward to the next Wednesday's post!

~ Ali

Charlow Family said...

I am loving this idea! I can't wait for next Wednesday. BTW, I found your blog through Kelly's Korner.

Gretchen said...

You guys are awesome. Lurve your sparkly candor, and your honor for each other.

When worse comes to worst (e.g. when I'm in a not thinking about it, don't need it, don't really even want it type of mood), I realize that this is my best friend and soul mate. If my girlfriend asked me to go out of my way and get her something at the grocery store, I'd be happy to do it. I try to think of my marriage like that, but on a bigger scale. I never regret it when we're done, and sometimes...you just need to do something for someone else and be gracious about it. IMHO. And guess what? Whenever I'm in that position (so to speak), I'm always the one who ends up being so glad we did this. "Why don't we do this more often?"

Well done, Merry and Pony Boy.

Becca~TimeWellSpent said...

You both handled that so well! I have to say that sometimes when I may not be "in the mood" I must remember that more than likely my husband most definitately is :) Usually, I can get in the mood too with just a little time alone with my sweetie and ya know? It's always worth it!!

Rosey Pollen said...

A good book I read recently called Intimate Issues by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus is a good read for Christian women. It has changed my way of thinking, and I really had a bad attitude about sex before. I highly reccomend it.
Rosey

lisa@littlesliceoflife said...

Fog machine & Annie Lennox...bwahahahaha!! Y'all make me laugh! I love your authenticity and honesty. Very refreshing.

And J is so right about the grace thing.

Grace, grace, marvelous grace! ;)

Kellie said...

This post is awesome! And so very true.

THanks for being willing to "go there"!

Mollie said...

Great Post!! Thanks for being honest!! I love the joint post- so funny!!

Moriah @ Please Pass the Salt said...

Did I tell you we switched Sunday school classes so we could go to the one on marriage? It's fabulous. Anyway, we've been talking about this particular topic the last week or two and it's been really, really good. Great post.