7,300 days of my life

Twenty years ago today, John and I said "I do" in a beautiful church in my hometown.

Twenty years.

Just saying it makes me feel old.

So does realizing that I've been married for half of my life.

But I wouldn't trade one of those 7,300 days for anything. Not all of them have been good or easy or fun-filled or joyous, but they've been shared with the one I love the most in this world and that is a blessing I really don't know how to put into words.

So...wanna know how we're going to spend this milestone day?

John is working. I'm teaching VBS all morning, hosting a playdate this afternoon, and then we're going out for dinner out tonight with the kids! My request was that we take the kids with us. We sufficiently celebrated our anniversary last month in California, and so we want them to be a part of this 7,300th day. Because they're three of the best gifts we've ever been given.

So...happy 20th anniversary, John. I love you so very much!

Vacation

I feel like I should warn you that this post is going to be long.

I mentioned the other day that John and I decided there is a big difference between a trip and a vacation. For us, a trip is when you visit some place and spend your time making sure you see and do everything there is to see and do. It's not necessarily frantic, but it's not necessarily relaxing either. Usually, when we take a trip, we return home in need of a vacation. For us, a vacation is when you visit some place and you spend your time relaxing. A vacation is therapeutic to your soul.

Last week we took a short vacation to Big Sur, California.

Wanna know what the number one thing to do in Big Sur is? Absolutely nothing. I read that before we left Colorado and I knew I was going to love Big Sur.

And what's not to love? It's gorgeous.

There are miles and miles of coastline like this. It is stunning.

You guys know that I live in a place of spectacular beauty, but this scenic coastline took my breath away. I think the combination of mountains and sea is so unique. If you ever have the chance to drive this stretch of the Pacific Coast Highway, don't miss it!

[It's hard for me not to chuckle a little when I use the word mountains to describe this coastline. The altimeter on John's watch said our elevation was 500-800 feet above sea level. That's not what I'd describe as a mountain, but I guess it's all relative.]

John did all the research and made all of our plans for this vacation for which I was grateful. I remember him telling me about this place called Deetjen's that he was considering for our stay. He said, "Mer, it's sorta quaint and rustic. Are you okay with that?" I like quaint. I like rustic. He chose well. 

We stayed in the bottom part of this cabin--in the Champagne Room. It is nestled deep in the heart of a redwood forest, and is quaint and rustic, just like John said. We loved it. Our room had a wood stove and John made a fire each evening (we needed it!) and it was cozy and romantic.

This place has some rich history too, and John enjoyed reading all the old guestbooks. There were stacks and stacks of them, and I think he read every single one. Deetjen's has special, magical memories for lots and lots of folks. And now we're some of them!

Deetjen's also has a wonderful restaturant. We ate breakfast there twice, and dinner there on Friday evening. Their food was delicious, and the restaurant has so much charm and character. We loved it.

One funny story about the restaurant. We were eating breakfast one morning and I happened to glance up and notice Fabio, Deetjen's resident cat, outside. He walked right past the big picture window we were seated by with a mouse in his mouth. It was sorta funny. Sorta not. And thankfully I didn't lose my appetite.

We spent our days doing much of nothing. Driving the coastline, finding beautiful spots to hang out and stare at the ocean, reading, napping, and of course eating! That's what you're supposed to do on vacation, right?

One day we found Pfeiffer Beach and walked around. And when I say we "found" the beach, we didn't just stumble upon it, we actually had to work to find it. Rumor is that every time the state of CA puts a sign directing tourists to the beach, the locals take it down. The road that leads you there snakes through some private property and I'm sure those who live along that road work hard to keep the beach a well kept secret. Ha!

Once we finally got there it was FREEZING and the sand was blowing sideways which doesn't feel so good when it hits your bare skin. Needless to say we didn't stay too long. It was beautiful though.

I had really hoped to see whales (humpback whales were the ones we had the best chance of seeing) but we didn't. One day we heard there was a sea otter playing in a lagoon nearby but it was raining pretty hard so we didn't walk down there. We also tried to spot some California condors. John thinks he saw some, but I think they were just big birds. Not sure... hmmmm.

We left Big Sur on Saturday, which was my 40th birthday, and drove up to Carmel-by-the-Sea. A truly gorgeous place. We spent most of the day walking around/shopping and we hung out on the beach for awhile.

Woo Pig Sooie! This Arkansas girl loved having her picture made by the razorback sign! The Hog's Breath Inn is Clint Eastwood's restaurant.

That night we drove up toward Santa Cruz and stayed in a Bed & Breakfast just east of there, so we'd be closer to San Francisco and the airport. We had originally planned to spend some time in San Francisco, but John worried that the transition from remote/secluded to big city might sorta "break the spell" and I agreed. He's a wise man, that husband of mine. We're often disappointed after being in the mountains and driving back into Denver. You go from amazing natural beauty to bright lights, big city, and it often makes us both a bit heartsick. I'm glad we had a chance to ease back into things...

Oh, and we also got to eat our first In-N-Out burger. Yummmmmmm. Will was jealous. I guess we're going to have to take that boy to California sometime.

I feel like I'm leaving out a ton of stuff, but this post is already too long!

This trip vacation was to celebrate 20 years of marriage. Our actual anniversary is later this month but John's parents had time in May to help us with the kids so we got to celebrate early. Thanks so much Mimi and Papa for coming to stay with Will, Sarah, and Abbey. And thanks for spoiling them rotten!

Wedded Wednesday: Gifts

My sweet friend, HisGirlAmber, asked: What is the best gift you have ever received from each other?


This is John:
You may think this is sappy, but I don't care.


Three different times in the course of our almost twenty years together, I have watched her carry within her own body the weight of life, from conception to delivery.  Our three children are the greatest gifts she's given me. Sure, I know God gives those gifts and in some sense they do not come from us but through us, but when you're standing in the delivery room, as I was on all three occasions, it sure as shooting looks like she's the one they came from.  I watched her run the gauntlet of the marriage vows during those nine-months-times-three: better, worse, rich, poor, sick, healthy...and she carried a little boy and two little girls safely here and then I cut them loose, all three times, into this dangerous world.  I look at them, these three precious children that I would die for, and I think "they would not have life had it not been for her."


I do not hold to the "the woman does all the work and the man gets off easy" stance; that is an insult to both woman and man.  But I do believe she did, and does, that which I cannot do...she is a carrier of that which truly matters, a life bearer, a gift bearer.  I so love the handmade coffee mugs she gave me several years ago, but compared to Will, Sarah, and Abbey...well, they do not compare.




This is Meredith.
Well, wow. Pass the tissues, please.
I don't really consider myself a "stuff" person, so I'm going to go with gifts that aren't necessarily tangible. I'm sure you're not surprised that I can't limit myself to one thing either. Bear with me!

The gift of laughter. John makes me laugh every single day. He's helped me learn not to take myself too seriously and to find the humor in almost any situation. I love that about him. Some of my favorite moments are when we are laughing together...even if what we are laughing about is incredibly stupid. I hope that our children will remember growing up in a house with laughter.

The gift of time. John has always been very generous in gifting me with time, whether it be time alone or time with him. Sometimes I have to voice my request for it, but other times he will recognize my need and offer me a break. He has never ever denied my request for time away, and he has never complained about watching our children or about having to sacrifice his needs for mine. 

Attentiveness. Generosity. Calmness. Gentleness. Encouragement. Strength. Hard Work.

I believe that each of John's character traits is a gift, not only to me and our children, but to others as well. 

I am blessed indeed.

Wedded Wednesday: The Birds and the Bees

Tiffani wants to know: At what age do you discuss sex with your kids? I think our oldest (he'll be 10) knows there's more to this Mommy and Daddy thing, and as he's growing other things crop up. What about the girls? We're not prudes by any means and I know there is an appropriate amount of information, etc. Just curious how y'all handled it.

(This is John, the husband)
This is a great question, Tiffani.  I really believe that when it comes to this topic you have to pay close attention to your child, how they're growing/maturing, who their friends are, questions they're asking, etc. It's a tenuous thing because you want them to be prepared but at the same time you don't want to give them more than they can handle.  What you're doing is essentially teaching your children how to handle dynamite.  There is no such thing as "safe sex" - our sexuality is a powerful, dangerously beautiful, intensely human facet of who we are, so talking about it with your kids is much more than just "this is what happens" and "this is the equipment."  As Eugene Peterson said so truthfully in The Message - "there's more to sex than mere skin on skin."

I first talked seriously with Will when he was nine.  Something had happened at school which precipitated our talk.  I wrote about it here.  That was four years ago and I stand by what I wrote, especially the "talking about it while doing something else" part.  Please hear me on this - I do not believe we as parents can get this right.  We do what we feel is best at the time/in the moment and we see what happens...in a sense, rolling the dice.  It's learning when to hold 'em and knowing when to fold, walk away, run, all that gambler stuff.  You may not like that imagery as it hints at chance or luck, but I believe that's the way it is with a living, breathing creation; our children are not robots.  You put batteries in a flashlight and, all things considered, it should turn on and illuminate the darkness.  You talk to your son about sex and he may start crying, laughing, tell you he already knows all that stuff, he might fall asleep, or he might even teach you a thing or two.  You just never can tell...so you do your best and constantly whisper those two important words - have mercy.

This is Meredith (the wife)

By the way, it cracks me up every time I type "the wife")

I've had "the talk" with Sarah, but not with Abbey. Sarah had just finished third grade and was almost nine years old when the subject came up. I really felt that she was too young to handle the information, but she was getting all sorts of faulty information from some friends. I'm thankful she came to me with her questions, but honestly, I put her off a little (I'll tell you more when you're older, I'll tell you more when I think you're ready, etc.) probably because I wasn't ready. But, like I said, she was hearing things that weren't accurate, and I wanted to have control over the information she was given.

I remember that we were outside pulling weeds one summer afternoon and she kept persisting. I attempted to put her off (again) and she sighed and said, "Mom, it's just the two of us right now, and I'm old enough to know." So I took a deep breath, whispered a prayer for wisdom, and just started talking. It was all very factual and matter of fact. She asked lots of questions, and I answered all of them.

Since then, she has continued to come to me with questions, and  I love that. Sometimes I have to put her off (like in the car with younger ears listening, or things that aren't appropriate for mixed company) but I always come back and answer her.

More than anything, I desire this to be an ongoing conversation with our kids. My huge hope is that our kids will ALWAYS feel comfortable talking to us about sex/sexuality...without shame. As I've talked with my peers about delving into this with our kids, the biggest takeaway from our collective childhood is the shame associated with talking about "the birds and the bees" with our parents, and that shame caused huge communication breakdowns. My guess is that most of you can relate to that.

A couple of things:
One older, wiser friend shared this tidbit of parenting wisdom with us over dinner one evening. I loved it so much I wrote it down, and I think it fits well with this topic of conversation: "In all things spiritual, be as natural as possible. In all things natural, be as spiritual as possible."


One great resource for girls is  The Care and Keeping of You by American Girl. We gave Sarah this book for her 9th birthday. I've read through it with her, and have told her it's not to be shared with her little sister (for the time being); right now, it's "just for us". It talks about body changes, body image, hygeine, and many other puberty-related things in a wholesome way. It has prompted more good questions and discussion for us. I highly recommend it!

Last thing: if you didn't click on that link in John's section (when he and Will had "the talk") go read it now. It's full of wisdom AND characteristic JohnB humor. It's really good stuff, I promise!

Wedded Wednesday: Weird?

Confession: I'm just not feeling the love for these Wedded Wednesday posts anymore, y'all. John and I talked it over and I think we're up for a few more and then we're going to wrap it up. Permanently. I think we only have a few more questions to answer anyway. Thanks for the encouragement you've sent along the way. It's been fun, but all good things must come to and end. 

John is in the midst of a really busy week, so instead of us collaborating on this post, I'm going to give you the 411 on why he wears his wedding ring on his right hand instead of his left which he alluded to in this post.

I know you're on the edge of your seat.

He has two webbed fingers on his left hand, one of which is ring finger. I keep forgetting to take a picture so you'll have to pretend this is his hand. It's not though. I ripped this pic from Google images. John's hands are much more rugged and masculine, and his webbing isn't actually that noticeable. 

Weird, eh?

Before we were married, he asked me if I wanted him to have a procedure to separate those two fingers so he could wear his wedding ring on his left hand. It was sweet that he was willing to do that, but honestly, it didn't matter to me which hand he wore it on. The only time I ever even think about it is when I hold his left hand and try to interlace my fingers with his. We usually just laugh and switch sides so I can hold his right hand!

It's funny how many people have noticed and asked him about it over the years. Some have wondered if he's European, which makes me laugh because John has a very distinct southern accent. Others have speculated that he wore it on his right hand to symbolize his devotion to God. 

None of the above.

Just two weird webbed fingers.

Wedded Wednesday: Staying Connected

Katrina asked: When you guys are apart (as in not in the same location) how do you still feel connected and together?

(This is Meredith)

You know, Katrina, I don't think we ever really feel connected and together when we're apart no matter what we do. We try, of course, but whenever one of us is away, I feel out of sync and disconnected. And I hate it.

Thankfully, we're not usually separated for very long stretches of time. When we are though, we usually talk and text throughout the day. That helps me feel a little more in touch. So does email. So do little notes tucked away in places that we'll discover later.

I have friends whose husbands travel all the time for work and other friends who have endured their husband's very long deployments. Honestly, I can't imagine how hard that must be. I know they Skype and email and talk a lot, but it's still got to be emotionally tough.

I wish I had more encouragement for you, Katrina. I definitely think we try to make the most of the time before and after we're apart though. If John or I know we're going to be gone, we try to plan a date around that time. I was gone a couple of weekends ago and it was very nice to meet John for lunch a few days later and have time for "just the two of us" to catch up. Because as much as we miss each other when we're apart, our kids miss us too! We usually need to reconnect as a family first, and then as a couple.

Here are a couple ideas for helping kids feel connected when a parent is away. I don't think to do this as much now that my kids are older (and can send their dad a text or a photo right away) as much as I did when they were younger.

1. Set out a small basket and place items in it to show dad/mom when they return. [School papers, artwork, small gifts, coupons for extra hugs/kisses, etc].

2. Make a simple paper chain for the number of days that dad/mom will be gone. Tear one off every day as you count down to their homecoming.

3. Make a "What We Did While You Were Gone" book/journal. My kids did this a couple of summers ago while John was at a conference in Santa Fe. They each wrote a sentence or two, and drew a picture of something fun we did each day, then read through it with their dad when he got back home.

(This is John, the husband)

This is a great question. Most of our times apart are relatively short in duration, so I’ll answer from that perspective. And Meredith is very verbal, so her answer will differ from mine…I’m not so verbal. I don’t know how many of you ladies are Willie Nelson fans; if you’re not, you might consider it. I believe one of Willie’s songs is applicable here – Always On My Mind. Although ‘staying connected’ may seem easier than ever these days via email, skype, text, etc., I don’t always feel that keeps Meredith on my mind. It’s only my opinion, but I wonder sometimes if those technological wonders actually create faux connection…I don’t believe talking is always thinking.

Never underestimate the power of symbols, pictures, drawings, trinkets and notes, little things to focus your thoughts/feelings. Two quick stories, alright?

1. When I hiked the Grand Canyon, I kept a picture of Mer and the kids in my backpack. I pulled that picture out numerous times over the course of that trip, each time reconnecting myself to them, keeping them on my mind. Think about those soldiers in WWII who kept pictures of their best girl in a cameo frame…powerful stuff, sometimes literally keeping a wounded man alive.

2. I wear my wedding ring on my right hand (story for another time), but I have a tendency to rub that ring many times in a day. Each time I do, I think about Meredith, no kidding. It functions for me much like a rosary bead, reminding me of her, keeping her on my mind.

(This is Meredith)

Awwww, how sweet is he? John found this pic last night and we both thought it was HILARIOUS!

Wedded Wednesday: Time Off

Guys...time is elusive this week and John and I are unable to get a Wedded Wednesday post together. We're taking today off and intend to be back next week. Thanks for understanding!

Wedded Wednesday: In Front of the Kids?

Charlow Family asked: Do you discuss your disagreements in front of your kids? Right now we have a 1-year old and we are trying to find a healthy boundary line for discussing things in front of her as they arise, and waiting for when we are behind closed doors. I'm not talking about major issues here, just little things that crop up during the day. I don't want our daughter growing up thinking that having a happy marriage means you never disagree, but I don't want her to see her parents bickering all the time either.

(this is John, the husband)
I think I've swerved beyond the original question a little. For better or worse, we have a tendency to do what our parents did. Now I didn't say always, but sometimes, a tendency. I didn't see my parents disagree/argue much during my years under their roof. Meredith witnessed the opposite. So, as you might imagine, we're mutts on this one - a mix of yes and no, not always but sometimes.

We polled our kids tonight at dinner time on this one. They said we argue often and always in front of them. That's just great; last time we'll poll the kids. Yet note to self and others: perceived reality to a child is the reality. As we asked a little deeper we learned it wasn't so much our arguing that bothered them as our going to separate corners in the heat of the moment. Sometimes Meredith and I need to do that, give each other space, take a time-out. But in the eyes of our kids, they experience the conflict dividing us. It is no longer dadandmom, but dad and mom. If they should go to bed without witnessing us coming back together, then they've seen the sun set on their parents' anger.

So, just as when you discipline a child there has to be a moment of welcoming that child back to your embrace, so too there needs to be a visible re-union of husband and wife should the argument they decided to make public drive them apart. I'm not talking about some forced kiss-and-make-up for appearance sake, but an honest confession that we're still disagree, we still love you, and we'll be here when you wake in the morning. I believe there are times for fighting and times for ceasing. But I believe at all times we must remember the children

(this is Meredith, the wife)

Yes, we disagree in front of our kids. And according to them, we disagree often. Ha!

I think we're fairly cognizant of the need to table discussions, um, disagreements that pertain to the kids until after they're in bed. Or if it's something else we know needs to be discussed in private, we'll retreat. But little things? Yeah, I think it pretty much happens in the moment. Remember, I'm "mercurial".

I don't know if this is good, or if this is bad. I just know it's honest. Our kids know that we love each other. They see the mushy-gushy-lovey-dovey stuff as well as the we're-just-not-seeing-eye-to-eye-right-now stuff. And like John said, if they never saw us come back together and make up and forgive and move on, I'd start to worry.

Wedded Wednesday: Dry Toast

Gina wrote: I love the line in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where Costa is comparing the Millers to dry toast. I love it because sometimes (a lot lately) I feel like my husband and I are just two pieces of dry toast rubbing against each other. How do you guys combat that feeling?

(This is Meredith)

You know, I think that sometimes dry toast is the reality. I think back over the course of our marriage and there have definitely been times when that would describe us. But dry toast is just dry and boring and gets really old after awhile. Who doesn't love a little cinnamon and sugar, jelly or jam, or even a layer of Nutella?

John once told me about a husband-wife band (Over the Rhine) that purposed during a "dry toast" season of their marriage to sit down at their kitchen table each night with a bottle of wine and talk until they'd finished the bottle. Now I know some of you (mostly my Southern Baptist friends) cringe a little at the thought of a bottle of wine sitting on your kitchen table. That's really not an important detail. What is important is that they set aside some time for each other each evening. They talked. And they lingered.

I love that idea, and I love the word linger. It means to: stay in a place longer than necessary, typically because of a reluctance to leave. You can linger over a pot of coffee or a glass of iced water. Again, the details aren't as important as the verb.

Lingering isn't easy. It's much easier for us to sit on the couch each night with our laptops and get lost in the world wide web. We may be side-by-side, but we're really miles apart. But what if we... Turned off the computer. Turned off the television. Brewed a pot of coffee. Shared a dessert. Talked. And lingered.

I think sometimes as couples we forget how to really talk to each other. Our conversations revolve around our days, our kids, and our calendars. Sometimes when John and I go out, we make it a rule to not talk about our kids. It's hard because so much of our lives revolve around them and we love them to pieces, but it forces us to find other stuff to share. Not too long ago, we went to dinner and we each prepared a list of 2-3 questions to ask each other while we ate. We ended up affirming each other's strengths, and sharing some goals and hopes and dreams for our future. It was really, really good!

Talking. Lingering. Laughing. Cooking. Dating. There are so many things you can do together. You just need to find what works for you and your spouse. One friend of mine surprised her husband with an indoor rock-climbing date because it was a connecting point for them--something they both loved doing. She told me after their date that she'd forgotten how much she loved doing adventurous/athletic things with him.

The great thing is that YOU get to choose your toast topping!

BTW, My Big Fat Greek Wedding is a great movie. I'm adding it to my Blockbuster.com queue right now!

(This is John, the husband)
Dry toast?

We’re all dry toast from time to time, that’s a given, it just is. You can try and avoid dry toast days or weeks or months, but doing so is avoiding life, and that’s never a good thing. The goal here is perseverance, endurance. And there is a beauty there you only know after you’ve persevered, endured.

But, if you are, from time to time dry toast, how can dry toast become palatable, even enjoyable? Jelly it up…in other words, what little thing can you add to a moment or the day to make it sweeter? Being sweet has fallen on hard times; that makes me sad. Sweet can be saccharine, but it need not be. Those old couples you see and say my, my, aren’t they sweet? I believe we all want that, all of us.

I want to mention my two favorite books on marriage.There is a sweetness to these books. They are not highbrow moral, christian superstar marriage books built on appearances. No, these are stories of earthy men and women, struggling, failing, and forgiving…seeing what for better and for worse can actually mean and because they endure, well, you can read for yourself. One is by a male author, one by a female -

Wallace Stegner – Crossing To Safety
Annie Dillard – The Maytrees
Stegner’s book is my hands down favorite, but I read Dillard’s last year and she runs a close second. Don’t look for Love & Respect tips; these books are fiction. And why do we write fiction? Stegner said, ‘To tell the truth.’

Wedded Wednesday: To Tell or Not to Tell?

Our post this week is on my husband's blog.

(Brevity becomes me, doesn't it?)

Wedded Wednesday: Devotions

Katrina asked: Do you guys do daily devotions together? If so, what do you do? Daily readings? From a book?

(This is John, the husband)
That’s easy – nope. But let me explain. We have relations together, laugh together, cook together, read books together, et cetera, et cetera, all things we do together because we are devoted to one another. So, in a broad figurative sense, yes, we have devotions together. But my gut tells me the question in question is really do you read the Bible together? Nope, we don’t.

Now I’m sure this is because we’re really not a spiritual couple or truly saved or I’m not leading like a good promise-keeper should or some such hogsnot; we’ve heard at least as much from speakers at the mike and authors on the page, as if reading the Bible together is an imperative for a marriage God smiles upon. We’ve tried it, but it would always peter out because it just wasn’t natural. Now if you and your spouse have devotions/read the Bible together, please hear me say that’s great! But as for me and my spouse, it has always felt forced, like David trying to wear Saul’s armor. You can do it, but I’m not sure how much is accomplished. We will share things with one another or our kids that we’ve heard or sensed in our individual wrestling matches with the Word, but as to sitting down together, with a Bible between us and two Bic pins all poised and ready, and the Point of Grace cd playing in the background? No.

(This is Meredith)

Um, yeah, I agree with everything John said. Having devotions together feels like just another box to check in the "righteous living" column, and I threw legalism and checking boxes out the window years ago. Some of you might be wondering if we pray together? Do mealtimes count? Yeah, we do, but not with any regularity. It's more of an "as a situation arises" kind of thing.

If you're clueless about this Wedded Wednesday stuff, or if you want to throw a question in the hat, click here.

Wedded Wednesday: Time Together

Ali wants to know: Do you go on regular dates?

(This is Meredith, the wife):

I don't know that we date with regularity, but yes, we do go out on dates and we love them! We're inching closer to the day that we can leave our kids at home without a sitter, but we're not comfortable with that just yet so finances are definitely something we have to consider. By the time you pay a sitter, go out to eat, and see a movie, you can easily spend $100. I believe it's important to put time and money into your relationship, but sometimes we have to get creative with our options.

John worked at home for a few years and we used to take our kids to school/preschool and go to Starbucks for a couple of hours. He always told me I was a cheap date. Sometimes we'd wander around the library (free!) or drive around and look at old houses downtown or go on a hike. These days it works well for us to meet for lunch while the kids are in school. Those lunch dates are my favorites. I especially love it when John calls and says, "Hey, wanna meet me at Chipotle in a little while?"

When our kids were really small, we did lots of "at home" dates. We'd make dinner or get take-out and eat together after the kids were in bed. Sometimes we'd eat while we watched a tv show or a movie. It was fun because we planned it and looked forward to it all day.

As for overnight dates, they're wonderful but we don't get very many of them. Probably because we live far away from family and we only have one or two families that we're comfortable leaving our kids with.

We are very protective of our family time on weekends. We spend a lot of quality time with our kiddos; we enjoy hanging out with them and I think they enjoy hanging out with us too. I believe that it's good for them to see us step away on a date every so often, and realize that dad and mom need some alone time.

How do you make time for each other, plus make time for your 3 kids?

(this is John, the husband)

Verily, verily, there is a way that seemeth right unto a husband and father who seeketh to make equal time for those he loveth, but yea he walketh through the valley of the shadow and somebody is always sure that everyone else got the goldmine whilst they got the shaft.

But I say unto thee, above all things, seek ye first your spouse that your days may be long upon the earth and forget not all her benefits. At the same time, forget not that for every child, turn, turn, turn, there is a season and sometimes thy middle daughter’s weeping lasteth beyond the night and no joy cometh in the morning and she needeth reassurance that her father will never leave or forsake her. Or thy firstborn son, thy strength, who once was blind but now has been granted sight to see nothing but perky middleschool girls with perfect 20/20 and he needeth both thy counsel and wisdom. Fathers, do not exasperate your children, nor look down upon their youth, for you shall need them one day to feed you pudding and change the channel.

But always be quick to return to the wife of thy youth, slow to make excuses for there are no righteous excuses, no not one, and even slower to believe that even though thou hast the desire to do better next time, thou are a prisoner to thy nature: namely, there are four of them and one of thee, and thou art a wretched one at that bound by time and space. What I want to do I do not do and what I don’t want to do I do. What shall we say then? We find these truths to be self-evident – 1. Gird up thy loins, my brother and 2. a little wine is good for the stomach.

Amen.

How do you celebrate anniversaries?

(this is Mer, the wife)

I think it all depends on our budget and our babysitting options. The last two years we've gone out for dinner and a movie. Two years ago, our kids were in Arkansas with their grandparents so we were able to spend a few days at a beautiful cabin in the mountains. This summer we'll celebrate our twentieth so we're planning a special trip!!!

Our Anniversary Box is something I created several years ago and no matter what we do to celebrate, it's always a special part of our day!

Wedded Wednesday: Disagreements

Whimzie (a friend who knew us both in college) asked:

What's the most frequent cause of arguments between you? Do you have different conflict resolution styles, and if so, how have you agreed to disagree?

(This is Mer, the wife)

I can honestly tell you that we argue over some of the most petty stuff. It's ridiculous how easily we can blow something out of proportion, and we have had some humdingers over n-o-t-h-i-n-g. We also argue over serious stuff--finances, issues of respect/disrespect, decisions to be made, etc, but without a doubt the thing we argue about most frequently is our differing approaches to parenting.

I tend to be strict and John tends to be lenient. I tend to be heavy on the consequences and he tends to be heavy on grace. I say no way more often, and because of that our kids ask their dad for things they really, really want. I think he lets them get away with way too much. Sometimes I feel like he's undermining me and I'm sure he feels the same way about some of my decisions.

But you know what? I believe our kids need the balance that we each bring. Suppose one of our kids got into trouble for lying. My immediate reaction would be to punish the child for that behavior. John would likely agree to some sort of consequence, but if I said, "Will, you're grounded for a week", John (aka Mr. Merciful) would likely wince and say, "How about a day?" As frustrating as that is for me, I believe our kids need the lessons of consequence AND of grace. Here's why: God gives us rules to protect us, and when we break the rules, there are consequences, BUT He also offers mercy, grace, and forgiveness whether we deserve it or not.

How have we agreed to disagree? I don't know if there's an easy answer for that, but I think we try to respect each other and our differences because we know that our kids need the balance of us. Sometimes I STRONGLY disagree with John and he knows it; the flip of that is true as well. Sometimes I stand my ground and sometimes he stands his. I don't think that we look at our marriage as a competition where one side "wins" and the other "loses" though. Sometimes it just calls for creative compromise.

As for our conflict resolution styles, um, YEAH, they differ! I usually spew my frustrations quickly (and loudly)(and often regretfully) and John usually turns his inward. I dump all my stuff on him and then I'm over it, while he takes all of his stuff (heaped with everything I've just spewed), gets really quiet, shuts down and shuts me out. Neither style is very healthy and both leave us feeling miserable.

Thankfully neither of us enjoys being mad or feeling out of sync for very long, so one of us will usually break the ice and invite the other into conversation. Usually, it goes something like this: Hey honey, I know we really got off track this morning but do you think we can talk through this and redeem the rest of the day?

Have we gone to bed mad at each other? Yep, many times. Have we said and done things we regret? Yep, many times. Will we hurt each other again? Yep. We will. And we'll keep coming back and extending forgiveness when that happens. I believe it's the only way this marriage thing can work.

And by the way, I don't recommend throwing things or storming out of the house and peeling out of the driveway in the minivan when you're really angry.

---------------------------------------------

(this is John, the husband)
The question here deals with disagreements; that’s what we’re talking about. But we know there are some households filled with darkness, deep darkness. We in no way want to diminish or be flippant about that. If that’s your house, please ask for help.

Most of our disagreements these days revolve around our three kids, or as the experts would say our parenting styles. We are just now inching our way into the teen years; in other words, we’ve got miles to go. But we’ve already had more than a few moments where Cain has been raised between us. So what’s a couple to do?

Much of the parenting advice I hear and have been given is this: just make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. Mer runs a respectable blog here, so I’ll keep a rein on my language. I think that advice is horse feathers. I love Meredith and she loves me and we love our kids – you can write that on a 3x5 index card, but beyond that things get interesting…as, I believe, they should. If you and your husband are always on the same page, then, well, I think your pants are on fire.

I want our kids to look back on their childhoods and say things like whew! mom and dad were quite a pair, huh? They went round and round on some things, but they always came back to each other’s arms. And if I’m still around then, I’ll adjust my hearing aid, look over at Meredith and yell hear that? quite a pair, we were… No, not some same page, but a pair, as in “two” - a man and woman, as different as garlic and M&Ms, who kept it together by nothing but grace.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow. (Gibran, “On Marriage”)

Raising kids is difficult and exasperating; people shed tears and say things they don’t mean, doors get slammed, and the Beagle hides behind the couch. All that gives you the opportunity to utter two phrases that make this life worth living: once upon a time (stories) and I’m sorry (forgiveness).

Wedded Wednesday: Whoopee!

John and I are answering marriage questions on Wednesdays. Amber started things off with a bang by asking: How do you keep it fresh and fun in the bedroom? Alrighty then, Amber. You do realize our parents read this blog, don't you?

(this is John, the husband)
We’re going to avoid tips and techniques, alright? If you want those, go buy a book.
After almost twenty years, we’ve found a lot of grace for the bedroom, a.k.a. sex, contained in the traditional marriage vows. Here’s what we mean. Sometimes the lovin’ is better, sometimes its worse; there are nights when the zippity is doo-dah (richer) and sometimes when its poorer; sometimes makin’ whoopee is healthy and sometimes, well, not-so-much. Expectations of the bedroom always being fresh and fun reveal you’re still in your first year of marriage or you’ve bumped your head one too many times on the threshold. Seriously, sex is an amazing God-gift, but it doesn’t fall out of the sky like manna; it comes via your husband (or in my case, my wife), always offered by flesh and blood and as such, always in need of grace. Always.

Having said that, sex can fall prey to a rhythm of poorer and worse and sick. One way we’ve found to break that spell deals with time. Unfortunately, sex is sometimes assumed to happen after you’ve worked all day, tried to spend quality time with your kids, walked the Beagle, caught the weather forecast at 10pm and fallen into bed around 10:30pm. Now some nights it will. But stay in that groove long and you’ll find you have nothing to offer your first love; you’re just too tired.
Hint – take advantage of weekend mornings and afternoons and that little thing on your bedroom doorknob called a lock. And if you got a dependable sitter or grandparents nearby, overnight getaways, even if just for one night, are always worth the money and effort. Just don’t forget to pack the grace. And the fog machine and the Annie Lennox cd.

Sweet dreams are made of this...

(This is Meredith, the wife)

To be frank, I've been pretty tentative about this post because I don't want to say anything that would dishonor my husband and/or the relationship we share. I believe that what goes on behind the bedroom door should stay there. But we agreed to be honest so I'm going to try to do that without disclosing private stuff.

I echo what John said about there being rhythms in marriage and times when sex isn't always fresh and fun. Sometimes it's just perfunctory. And that's okay too.

John dropped a few hints about getting creative about when sex happens, but how about giving some thought to where? Is your bedroom appealing? Is it neat and tidy or do you usually have three baskets of unfolded laundry on the bed? Is your bedding frilly and feminine? What about choosing something that you both like, putting a fresh coat of paint on the walls, and making your bedroom a place you want to spend time? Together.

Other ideas:

Take a shower. When I'm tired, a shower helps me wake up a little and it lets my husband know that sex matters to me too and I'm willing to do my part to make it happen. And if taking a shower isn't keeping things fresh, then I don't know what is.

Buy something new every once in awhile. I'm not talking about a sweater or a pair of shoes either. Just something that only your husband will see.

You don't even have to buy anything. Put some thought into something special you can do that you know your spouse would enjoy.

I think that a lot of women believe they could go for a really long time without needing sex. It's true that we're not wired to think about it constantly or need it the same way that men do, but I believe that women do need sex to stay physically and emotionally connected to their spouse. The longer I'm sexually disconnected from my husband, the more out of sync we become and the harder it is to find our rhythm again. So yeah, it may not always be fresh and fun but it's such an amazing gift that God has given us, and He's given it to us to ENJOY.

(We Couldn't Agree on a Title)

(This is John, the husband)
Meredith and I were throwing around blog ideas the other day while we were getting pedicures and sipping Perrier. One of us, it's hard to remember who, said how about we tell our followers (snort-laugh) they can ask us any question about marriage and we'll do our best to answer it or at least make something up? The other, probably Meredith, said why in the world would anyone listen to what we had to say about marriage? I sat my Perrier down and said but what if we told the truth? (Pause for dramatic effect)

So why don't you ask your question, any question within reason, about marriage? We'll gather them up and post a Q&A on Wednesdays. Game?

Here's our disclaimer: If you need churchy answers or bible verses, you'll probably be disappointed. We don't have many answers anyway, but maybe, just maybe, we're learning what the questions are and we'd be willing to share them or at least point you in the right direction. And (pause for dramatic effect) we promise to tell the truth...and have fun. We'll have been married twenty years this summer and we've read at least the cliff notes to Love & Respect and listened to the podcast of Love & War and have seen Sleepless in Seattle and Lonesome Dove numerous times, together I might add.

(This is Meredith, the wife)

We were eating breakfast together last Saturday (the man makes me fried eggs every single Saturday--how great is that?) and I was telling him about my "ask me a question, any question" post and then read him some of your comments. I'm pretty sure the marriage question thing was his idea but I think it could be fun. John is the fun(ny) one and I promise he'll have you in stiches along the way.

So shoot us a question and we'll try to get 'em answered on Wednesdays--starting next week.

Please keep two things in mind: We are not counselors. We cannot solve problems or fix marriages. We rarely take ourselves too seriously, so this probably isn't the best place to direct questions of a serious nature.

And like John said, we're not experts on marriage either. Oh my gosh. Not even close. But we've weathered nineteen.five years together and have learned a lot along the way.

I promise I won't close comments early this time. Smile.

Confession...

There is a LOT going on in my life that has me feeling overwhelmed right now. A whole lot. For many months now, I've had something fun to look forward to--a getaway with some friends that is happening this weekend. 

However, I realized about a month ago that it just wasn't going to work out for me to go. Tears, more tears, and a heaping dose of disappointment surrounded my decision to back out.

I know deep down that it was the right decision, but it's been hard not to let the disappointment swallow me.

I had some time while I was in Arkansas a few weeks ago to actually be still and hear myself think. I had way too much time to let the roots of that disappointment sink deep. Really deep. Trust me, no good came of that. 

I turned things over in my mind day in and day out and you know what? I decided somewhere along the way that the blame for me not getting to go on this trip was entirely my husband's fault. I decided that he knew how important this trip was to me and that he purposely scheduled a business trip for the same weekend. I decided that he didn't care about my heart or my emotional state or my need for some self-care. Basically, I was listening to the lies that the enemy/devil was whispering to my heart and I agreed with every single one of them.

Ugh. Such ugliness.

On the way to Santa Fe where the kids and I were planning to meet John (after a lengthy time apart) I felt myself growing more and more resentful. I took all those agreements I'd made about him not giving a rat's rear about me and let my heart grow stony cold. At that point, I started making vows.

Things like...

He doesn't care about me so I will not make myself vulnerable to him ever again.

I will never admit my needs.

I am on my own. I will find a way to survive (emotionally) without him. 

By the time we got there, I was furious. The kids were ecstatic to see their dad. There was no shortage of affection on their part, but I was very cool and very aloof. And "very" might be understating it about 2000%. 

Bless his heart. He had no idea what was brewing.

Honestly, there was a lot going on under the surface. Isn't there always? I was coming off of a hard week with my dad and the entirety of his illness. I'd driven 2000+ miles with three kids by myself, and I was thoroughly exhausted on many different levels. I'm not making excuses but I am suggesting that my defenses were down and I wasn't very spiritually alert when I started agreeing with things I knew weren't true.

John and I eventually found some time to talk and I confessed all the disappointment I was pinning on him. All the agreements I'd made. And the subsequent vows. 

Here's the thing: I think we have a pretty good marriage. We communicate well. We respond to each other, we forgive and move on. Neither of us like it when we get off-track so we try to get back on track quickly. It has taken some time after admitting all of this though for him to come around. That's fair. It was a lot to dump on him. 

The challenge for me this week is not to pick that blame back up. To not feel sorry for myself for not getting to go on this trip. To acknowledge that I'm still sad and disappointed yet not wallow in self-pity. To trust that God is in control of all things and to not hold a grudge towards Him when he doesn't give me what I want. I admit I've already failed at all of the above more than once.

I want my heart to stay soft instead of hard though. I want my friends to have an amazing time of rest and refreshment and FUN this weekend. I want to be alert so that when the enemy comes prowling around whispering lies and looking for agreements (and sooner or later he will) I will recognize what's going on and stay off of that path.

'Cause I've walked it and it isn't pretty. 

(Note: I came across the terms "agreements" and "vow" while reading some of John Eldredge's books years ago, and I must give proper credit to him. For those of you that think spiritual warfare is "kooky" just know that I did too for many, many years. I'm now convinced it is very real and there are few things the enemy loves more than for us to be ignorant of it.)

An Anniversary Miracle

Late yesterday afternoon, I was getting ready for my date with John. I was drying my hair and evidently didn't hear the doorbell ring, so Will came and told me that some lady was at the front door.

I quizzed him for a few seconds: Do you recognize her? Does it look like she's selling something? He shrugged and said he didn't know, so I walked to the front door and peeked thru the peephole. I usually don't answer the door if I don't know who the caller is, but something about this visitor compelled me to open it.

What I saw next brought me to tears.

This cute red-headed lady was standing there holding my purse that was stolen back in April. I could not believe my eyes!

She told me that her son had found it while walking home...behind a dumpster in a shopping center close to their house, partially hidden in some tall grass. He brought it home and showed it to her, and she called the police in our little town. The police told her they'd come retrieve it but after waiting several days for them to show up, she took matters into her own hands, looked up my address (my ID was still in my wallet) and delivered it to me.

OH. MY. GOSH.

How awesome is that? Doesn't it just restore your faith in the goodness of humanity?!?

She was so sweet while I stood there stunned and digging through it. She told me when her son found it, it was full of water. We've had a very wet couple of months (unusual) and I figured everything in it was ruined, but I was just so stinkin' happy to have it back that I didn't care.

She also told me that all the credit cards were gone (they've all been cancelled/reissued anyway) and I saw that my iPod was definitely gone too. However, my wallet was still in it and so were my coupons (yay!) and my zippies and my lipsticks and my nail file (the good one!) and my gloves and my house keys! (which aren't any good now that we've changed all the locks, but oh well!).

Unbelievable. 

I was so stunned that I forgot to even ask her name, or ask her to thank her son for me. I wish I had been a little more present in that moment. Nice, pretty, red-headed lady: If you happen to read this will you contact me so I can thank you and your son? 

Soon after she left, our babysitter arrived, so I just shoved it all in the dirty clothes basket and this morning I pulled it out and sorted through the mess. It was filthy and filled with all sorts of dirt and debris. See?

But...Vera Bradley bags are machine washable! So I took it downstairs, treated all the stains and determined it's salvageable. It's a little sunbleached in parts, but overall is still in amazing shape to have been sitting out in the snow, wind, rain, cold, heat, and intense sun of CO!

After washing (twice):

My zippies from Joanne are a little stained (I think from the granola-bar packaging) but I'm so happy to have them back...especially the monogrammed one. And even though I had to throw out all my coupons (they were wet and mildewed) I am thrilled to have my coupon file that-I've-had-for-15+ years back. Most of the stuff that was in my wallet was still intact too...so amazing!

The biggest surprise of all? Just before I threw the purse in the washing machine, I checked the inner pockets one more time. I was trying to get all the rocks/pebbles out, and lo and behold I found this!

I was very worried it was ruined because of all the moisture it had been exposed to, but guess what? I cleaned the grime off, put it in my camera, and discovered that all the pics I hadn't downloaded were still on it.

I cried again. Because it really was an anniversary miracle! 

I've had a thankful heart all day long! God really does care about the things that concern us...no matter how small or inconsequential they might seem. 

It just keeps getting better...

Today, John and I are celebrating NINETEEN years of marriage!

Nineteen years is a long time, but I'm more crazy about him today than I was 19 years ago. 

The two of us have been through so much together--more than our young minds could have ever imagined on that hot June afternoon! Our journey hasn't always been easy, but it's been good. I can't imagine walking out this life with anyone else by my side. 

Just for fun, here are some wedding pics. They're in an album and I didn't want to pull them out to scan (and besides, my scanner is broken) so I just took pics of the pics. Brilliant. Sorry they're a little grainy.

Gosh, don't we look like babies??? We were! I was barely 20, and John was 23.

John came home last week and told me he'd arranged for a babysitter for tonight. I think the only thing more amazing than an anniversary date is an anniversary date with the childcare being arranged by my husband! I told you he was awesome! 

We're going to dinner at a quaint little place in Manitou Springs, and then who knows! I'm so happy to get to spend some one-on-one time with him!

If you've read my blog for awhile, then you know that I keep an Anniversary Box, and every year we add a new item to it--something that represents our year. We were talking about it last night and decided to add this. It's a pretty big deal for our family!

I'll probably also add this:

(She told me I could share it with ya'll)

It says:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I cannot express how much I love you. If you to didn't meet, I wouldn't be born and raised the way I was. You two made my life so wonderful. Singing, caring, interacting, goofing, and even shouting. Really? Well all I'm sayin is 19 years of love rocks so go enjoy it!
Heart Sarah Elizabeth _________!

How stinkin' sweet is she??? John's post today was pretty sweet too.

John, I love you and I am SO incredibly blessed. Life with you just keeps getting better...

i heart him.

some of the many reasons why i love john...

he keeps gas in my van. he went last night and filled me up so that i wouldn't have to do it this morning.

he unloads the dishwasher for me every. single. morning. can i just tell you how much that means to me? it's my most dreaded chore. every once in a while he has an early morning meeting/breakfast and he doesn't get it done, but he always leaves me a note apologizing. isn't that sweet?

he helps the kids with their homework. (another of my least favorite tasks).

he picks up the slack in laundry when i fall behind. and i'm behind these days.

he gives me starbucks gift cards because he knows i have a fond affection for non-fat chai lattes.

he makes me laugh. even when i'm mad. which usually helps me snap out of it and get back in the happies. (yeah, we call it the happies).

he tells me i'm beautiful. especially when i feel anything BUT.

he calls me from work...multiple times a day. just to say hi.

he eats whatever i make for dinner, without complaining. (that's more than i can say for our children).

he works hard so that i can be at home full-time. and he loves that i have time during the day to spend with friends.

he adores our children. 

he has a huge heart. a tender heart too. (we're not afraid of tears around here.)

i love you, j.